Blue Is Not What It Seems
Healing is blue to me. Therefore I think the color blue deserves a second chance. I love the color blue. After all, blue is the color of the sky and resembles the ocean. The color is so calming. I wonder how a term for sadness became “feeling blue”. In my opinion it should be called “feeling red or grey”. Red is the color of blood which is not a peaceful thing to think about. Not knowing my worth was the color red for me. I didn’t just become a person of morals and spiritual conviction overnight.
Subconsciously Worthless
There was a time when I subconsciously thought I deserved nothing. No apology for being mistreated. No food if there were two plates and three people. Short of no say on how I should be treated. Nevertheless, I didn’t know that I was doing these things. It was all subconscious because if I had known I would have stopped it. I have never been afraid to defend myself. However when it came to me I had no standards. Which is weird because when it came to others I would defend them even if I had to stand alone.
Punishing Yourself
For all of that I taught people that I was a tool to be used. Through me not loving myself I gave others who use your weakness against you permission to mistreat me. No I am no angel I have hurt people also, but I learned from it. I made amends by choosing not to be that person; but I never forgave myself. Still, I was extremely selfish up until around the age of 21. Life was lived day to day not thinking about the trespasses of yesterday or the consequences that were ahead of me. Life was red for me and I hit many rock bottoms to get to blue.
Thinking They Got Away With It
One thing that I can say is that a lot of times I learned from my mistakes. Which is how I became a person that I can be happy with today. Through the years of me learning that I also deserve to be treated fairly I have noticed a strange thing about people. I’ve learned that when a person hurts you and you don’t address it; they feel as if they did no wrong. If you dare to separate yourself or decline their request because of their record of manipulation, they feel wronged. It is as if they truly think that what they did is not a factor in your decision.
Accountability Test
See when I was wrong I knew why I was being told no. That’s how I learned from it through accountability. My grandmother’s are who I hurt the worst. The two people in my life who were there for me. I almost want to cry just thinking that I hurt these two beautiful people. How did I become a genuinely decent person you ask? I was given the whooping of my life by my bad decisions and the Most High. Everything was taken from me. I was thrown in a hole so deep that it was utter darkness.
Growing Through The Pain
While I was sitting at the bottom of the pit I had time to truly reflect on who I wanted to be. So I started climbing and climbing and climbing until I reached the surface again. While climbing I picked up so much armor I didn’t even recognize myself. I couldn’t have done it without the almighty Yah. Although it was hard I abandoned red and met the color blue. I still am not good at saying you hurt me. Although I don’t allow myself to be mistreated; I tend to ghost anyone who I feel hurt me. I don’t like to talk about it. Anytime that I have told most people what hurts me it is used against me.
Romans 5:3-5King James Version
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
My Love Verbs To You
I share this because I want you to remember to value others but don’t forget about you. Don’t punish yourself forever for the past. With true repentance you deserve a second chance. People who you hurt in the past may not give you a second chance. Although things are that way, they also deserve their space to heal. If that means that you can’t be a part of their life, love them enough to apologize and give them their space. Once you do that forgive yourself. Don’t let nobody tell you that you deserve to be treated less than a human. Love yourself, you are worth a second chance. Let red be a thing of the past; you deserve to feel blue.
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